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Twilight Gay 02: Sparkly Sex Sells. Also, Val Sotto.

You said you wanted more, so Twilight Gay is back with a vengeance! Below is his take on the Twilight movie.

Once again, the column uses some adult language and themes, so this really isn't recommended reading for the younger fans. If you are sure you are not a minor and you've read our warnings, then you may proceed to click on the link below. Have fun! :p

p.s. We know Charlie Swan is played by Billy Burke, okay? :p

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Twilight Gay 02: Sparkly Sex Sells. Also, Val Sotto.
By: Twilight Gay (Ronald)

It sure has been a rollercoaster couple of weeks for Twilight fans, kind of like that week when my 10-year-old mind first thought of my classmate P that way. That normally shouldn't warrant a freak-out, unless of course you study in a Catholic all-boys school, WHICH I WAS. I spent a year of my life vacillating between "OME, P is totally making googly-moogly eyes at me!" and "OME, I am totally going to hell!"

I assume that similar patterns of thought were going through the minds of Filipino Twihards during the past two weeks, if the recent TCP poll on Catherine Hardwicke's firing is any indication. While I'm sure most Twihards are grateful for her choosing RPattz' dazzle over those of the other contenders, there is that unavoidable fact that she sucks (AHAHAHAHA) at shooting action. That scene in the ballet hall where James is reflected in multiple mirrors? What the hell was that Shake, Rattle, and Roll: Arizona Edition?

For a few days, Filipino Twihards considered the possibilities. A New Moon helmed by Christopher Nolan? Alfonso Cuaron? Mike Newell?

That high was quickly replaced by a wait-and-see attitude once Summit announced that Chris Weitz would be taking over. Would he be able to do justice to New Moon?

I say unto all of you: WHATEVER.

There are only two things that Summit needs to make sure that New Moon becomes a hit, and that is sex and Val Sotto.

* * * * *

Let's talk about the less contentious thing that Weitz has to deal with, the one that can be discussed in just two paragraphs: Val Sotto.

Before Twilight, I never knew how underrated Val Sotto is as an actor. I mean I had doubts when he first showed up on-screen; I had only seen him before in Tangga and Chos: Beauty Secret Agents, and I thought his performance there would be hard to…ahahaha…top. But as Charlie Swan, he steals every scene he's in.

That should be the first thing Weitz should have on his list of things to do for "New Moon": More scenes with Val Sotto in them.

* * * * *

But the most important thing Weitz has to do is to match Hardwicke's adeptness at conveying sex without showing any actual sex at all. Why is this important? Let me tell you a story.

The first time I watched Twilight was with my mom, and I only got in at about the Meadow of Great Sparkle because of a prior engagement. I tried not to look too bummed about missing half of the movie, and I was helped out immensely by the constant screaming that erupted from the audience every time Edward or Jacob would show up on screen. It was as if every one with a vagina just decided now was the appropriate moment to go batshit insane.

This speaks a lot about how sex – or at least the longing for it – figures so prominently in the appeal of Twilight. Twilight, the book, brings a fierce but chaste smoulder to the loins of a particular set of girls (and boys) because they find in Edward a safe place to explore their sexual feelings. In Edward, you have a safe bad boy who's equally happy not to go near your ladyflower (or your peen, if you're a gay guy) as he is when you allow him access to your naughty bits.

Whatever her faults are, Hardwicke at least succeeded in transferring this sexual undercurrent onto the big screen, mostly through visual cues that I think were only there because Summit didn't have time and money to clean up the film.

For one thing, RPattz gets to keep his glorious early pubes. Intentional or not, this little detail recalls the first vampire himself and how he represented all the sexual urges that the Victorians tried to repress.

Through that visual cue, Bella (and an audience composed of Twilight noobs) subconsciously understands that this person is perfectly capable of desecrating her ladyflower (or his chocolate starfish, whatever floats your boat), and yet HE REFUSES TO DO SO.

Of course this calls for confrontations. Bella pesters him about what she thinks are his contact lenses, the frosted highlights he has in his hair, his inability to talk to a girl. In normal life, that would usually just mean that you're gay. In Forks, that means you're on a haemoglobin diet.

And when the Twilight noob discovers that he does have those urges and is just holding back because HE WUVS HER, something perfectly illustrated in the make out scene in Bella's bedroom? They're practically putty. The fact that Edward's sparklepeen and Bella's ladyflower aren't anywhere near each other is immaterial. That fierce but chaste smoulder has already been lit.

There's also the less subtle fact that EVERYBODY IN THIS MOVIE IS PRETTY. When Hardwicke unloads shirtless James on the audience I almost have an aneurysm. GOOD GRAVY. It does not help that I have a weakness for tattoos.

This sexless sexing all throughout the movie almost makes up for the fact that the Lion/Lamb conversation actually took place on the big screen. Almost. Because when they started saying those lines I think I started to vomit poop and turn inside out.

Complicated by the fact that Edward only shows up to commit death by public sparkling, how to continue stoking the smoulder in New Moon will be Weitz' biggest challenge. That the fate of Jacob Black is still uncertain doesn't make things any easier.


  1. Jei said...

    Nice artik.
    And, hey, I also felt the same when they said the lion-and-the-lamb line. Teehee!

  2. Rome said...

    Again, what can I say? Love, love, love the post! =]

    Even though I watched the movie eight times (going on nine), I still cringe at the lion-and-lamb bit. The only difference after each screening is that I'm mentally prepared for it.

    When's the next installment? Cheers! =]

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