Twilight Coven Philippines

TWILIGHT GAY 03: When the sparkle hit the fan, may bumayo
By: Ronald

Have you guys missed me? It's been almost a month since my last post – not that anybody's been keeping track – and quite a lot has happened amongst the Twilight faithful.

The biggest thing to happen, of course, was the quick rise and equally quick descent of that cultural abortion that is "Takipsilim". If all of you were thinking that this issue is a horse already beaten to death, then you're wrong, because I haven't gotten my kicks in yet.

Of course every Filipino Twilighter knows the story: Some time around the holidays, word began to spread that ABS-CBN would be making Takipsilim, a Filipino adaptation of Twilight starring Rayver "Fishlips" Cruz and Shaina "Lookit! Mah boobs!" Magdayao.

Cue everyone running around screaming like Godzilla was all up in this bitch. Cue online petitions, online insults, and online wishes of death upon the ABS-CBN infidels. From all the ruckus, you would have thought Armageddon was coming, in the form of a teleserye.

People, people, people. Look at me. Take a deep breath. Listen carefully. GET A GRIP.

It's not that anybody ever thought that Takipsilim would be a great idea. While our local stations make the occasional great drama every once in a while, fantasy series have never been their specialty. My two personal favorties, Marina and Kampanerang Kuba, while camp classics, were far from being any kind of "good". Watching most Filipino fantaseryes is like sucking very warm shit through a very short straw.

What was so distressing to me, and probably to the saner Twilighters, was the somewhat subconscious hate some people displayed towards being Filipino.

There was a lot of hand-wringing as to how the (in)famous lion/lamb conversation would sound like in Filipino, with one particularly rabid commenter noting that "leon/tupa" doesn't have the same delicious flavor as lion/lamb.

Honey, the lion/lamb conversation is bad, and no amount of translation, in Elvish or otherwise, is going to make it sound any better. Even SMeyer agrees with me. You probably didn't mean to sound like an annoying, pretentious twat, but you did.

The ease with which most people threw our country under the bus was equally disconcerting. "Oh, how embarrassing! Them white people will laugh at us! All we ever do is remake stuff!" As if Hollywood is the bastion of originality. As if the people who comment on Perez Hilton are the cream of the intellectual crop. His whole schtick is putting cum stains on people's pictures! And their idea of witty reparte is "First!" and "Whoreanus!"

A lot of people were so eager to condemn a Filipino company daring to adapt a Western work that nobody even cared to ask how reliable a source a Pinoy Exchange forum poster is. While ABS-CBN showed their ineptitude and idiocy with their handling of the mess once the story broke, why didn't any one think that a $1 million investment isn't something you just calmly let loose on a public message board without any sort of fanfare? And as Clair de Lune pointed out, does nobody use fact checkers anymore? Not even the paper I work for?

There are so many valid reasons to hate the possibility of Takipsilim. Hate it because Rayver Cruz, Joross Gamboa, and Carlos Agassi can't act thier way out of a wet paper bag. Hate it because the special effects will no doubt look like something I could have just as easily done on Powerpoint. But don't use it as a convenient excuse to display your own insecurities about being brown.

Twilight Gay 02: Sparkly Sex Sells. Also, Val Sotto.
By: Twilight Gay (Ronald)

It sure has been a rollercoaster couple of weeks for Twilight fans, kind of like that week when my 10-year-old mind first thought of my classmate P that way. That normally shouldn't warrant a freak-out, unless of course you study in a Catholic all-boys school, WHICH I WAS. I spent a year of my life vacillating between "OME, P is totally making googly-moogly eyes at me!" and "OME, I am totally going to hell!"

I assume that similar patterns of thought were going through the minds of Filipino Twihards during the past two weeks, if the recent TCP poll on Catherine Hardwicke's firing is any indication. While I'm sure most Twihards are grateful for her choosing RPattz' dazzle over those of the other contenders, there is that unavoidable fact that she sucks (AHAHAHAHA) at shooting action. That scene in the ballet hall where James is reflected in multiple mirrors? What the hell was that Shake, Rattle, and Roll: Arizona Edition?

For a few days, Filipino Twihards considered the possibilities. A New Moon helmed by Christopher Nolan? Alfonso Cuaron? Mike Newell?

That high was quickly replaced by a wait-and-see attitude once Summit announced that Chris Weitz would be taking over. Would he be able to do justice to New Moon?

I say unto all of you: WHATEVER.

There are only two things that Summit needs to make sure that New Moon becomes a hit, and that is sex and Val Sotto.

* * * * *

Let's talk about the less contentious thing that Weitz has to deal with, the one that can be discussed in just two paragraphs: Val Sotto.

Before Twilight, I never knew how underrated Val Sotto is as an actor. I mean I had doubts when he first showed up on-screen; I had only seen him before in Tangga and Chos: Beauty Secret Agents, and I thought his performance there would be hard to…ahahaha…top. But as Charlie Swan, he steals every scene he's in.

That should be the first thing Weitz should have on his list of things to do for "New Moon": More scenes with Val Sotto in them.

* * * * *

But the most important thing Weitz has to do is to match Hardwicke's adeptness at conveying sex without showing any actual sex at all. Why is this important? Let me tell you a story.

The first time I watched Twilight was with my mom, and I only got in at about the Meadow of Great Sparkle because of a prior engagement. I tried not to look too bummed about missing half of the movie, and I was helped out immensely by the constant screaming that erupted from the audience every time Edward or Jacob would show up on screen. It was as if every one with a vagina just decided now was the appropriate moment to go batshit insane.

This speaks a lot about how sex – or at least the longing for it – figures so prominently in the appeal of Twilight. Twilight, the book, brings a fierce but chaste smoulder to the loins of a particular set of girls (and boys) because they find in Edward a safe place to explore their sexual feelings. In Edward, you have a safe bad boy who's equally happy not to go near your ladyflower (or your peen, if you're a gay guy) as he is when you allow him access to your naughty bits.

Whatever her faults are, Hardwicke at least succeeded in transferring this sexual undercurrent onto the big screen, mostly through visual cues that I think were only there because Summit didn't have time and money to clean up the film.

For one thing, RPattz gets to keep his glorious early pubes. Intentional or not, this little detail recalls the first vampire himself and how he represented all the sexual urges that the Victorians tried to repress.

Through that visual cue, Bella (and an audience composed of Twilight noobs) subconsciously understands that this person is perfectly capable of desecrating her ladyflower (or his chocolate starfish, whatever floats your boat), and yet HE REFUSES TO DO SO.

Of course this calls for confrontations. Bella pesters him about what she thinks are his contact lenses, the frosted highlights he has in his hair, his inability to talk to a girl. In normal life, that would usually just mean that you're gay. In Forks, that means you're on a haemoglobin diet.

And when the Twilight noob discovers that he does have those urges and is just holding back because HE WUVS HER, something perfectly illustrated in the make out scene in Bella's bedroom? They're practically putty. The fact that Edward's sparklepeen and Bella's ladyflower aren't anywhere near each other is immaterial. That fierce but chaste smoulder has already been lit.

There's also the less subtle fact that EVERYBODY IN THIS MOVIE IS PRETTY. When Hardwicke unloads shirtless James on the audience I almost have an aneurysm. GOOD GRAVY. It does not help that I have a weakness for tattoos.

This sexless sexing all throughout the movie almost makes up for the fact that the Lion/Lamb conversation actually took place on the big screen. Almost. Because when they started saying those lines I think I started to vomit poop and turn inside out.

Complicated by the fact that Edward only shows up to commit death by public sparkling, how to continue stoking the smoulder in New Moon will be Weitz' biggest challenge. That the fate of Jacob Black is still uncertain doesn't make things any easier.

Twilight Gay 01: Meet TCP's Newest Blogger

In case the title isn't enough of a giveaway for you, let me explain the whole conceit behind this... this thing that we will be sharing, Dear Reader. I'm a gay guy who reads the Twilight Series, and if your support (and site hits!) permit, you'll be reading my thoughts on the matter… on a regular basis.

Of course, this idea borrows heavily from Twilight Guy, a straight guy who purportedly reads the series for "research purposes". He's extremely popular, something which can be attributed to the fact that 1. he's a freaking straight guy reading Twilight and 2. he's reasonably attractive. Kinda like Josh Peck from Drake and Josh when he got all thin.

What? You all were thinking it.

* * * * *

I had already heard rumblings from the Internet about the awfulness that Twilight had on offer, from assertions that even fan fiction is better written than this tripe, to the rabid hate that springs so easily from the people who've read New Moon and lived to rant about it. Each and every missive were like large neon red signs telling me not to enter the sparkly domain of Forks, Washington and the convoluted lives of its clumsy, emo teenagers.

But as my undying love for Temptation Island clearly illustrates, those same reviews sucked me right in, making me buy all three books in the series, expecting that There Will Be Blood. But even then it would be weeks before I actually began to read "Twilight", and only because I had to interview the lovely ladies from Twilight Coven Philippines for my day job. When I got to the part where Edward declares that he has had it with being good, I knew right then and there that I was done for.

* * * * *

Just like Twilight Guy, I really wouldn't call myself a Twihard. I have read all the books, and I sorta, kinda like them, but not exactly for the reasons that you might think. It's no secret that the Twilight series, despite its immense popularity, has a lot of faults – some of which I'll be talking about in future installments -- and most "serious" readers would rather be caught doing something illegal with a goat and a traffic cone rather than admit that they hold Twilight and its sparkly contents close to their heart.

While I'm not a "serious" reader, those who know me would never really expect me to lug around Twilight, much less read it in public. Woolf? Yes. Vonnegut? Absolutely. Colette? Definitely. But the Sparkly Prince of the Undead? Not in a thousand years.

In that respect (and I can't believe I'm actually typing this), liking Twilight is like the closeted gay jock falling in love with the ostracized out gay goth boy. He makes fun of the make-up, the fey demeanor, the embarrassing tendency to sparkle. He maybe even beats him up every once in a while.

But what he wants -- what he really, really wants -- in his closeted gay heart is to maybe watch a movie with gay goth boy, maybe give him a blow job in the backseat of his truck, maybe watch the sunset as they cuddle in the backseat. Then beat him up again when they meet in school because gay goth boy turned him gay.

So what you're going to be reading in the coming weeks, Dear Reader, is my slow and painful way of edging out of my Twilight-loving closet. I will beat it up a lot, I will make fun of the sparkles, I will make fun of the fact that Bella doesn't seem to have a personality outside of her relationship with Edward.

But what I really, really want is to cuddle with it, hold it furtively against my chest in the back of a moving cab, maybe give it an esteemed place by my bedside. Because for better or for worse, the sparkles have me, and it doesn't look like they're going to let me go.

- Ronald